I ride my bicycle at night

I ride my bicycle at night, so I can - so I can -
make my way back home from work.
And I ride my bicycle at night, so I can - so I can -
grok the sublime empyreal heights.

I'm one of those people you shake your head at driving home, either feeling for their safety or their sanity. I just started this endeavor this fall and it is a transcendent experience. I feel the firmament vaulting above me. It's like walking into an unexpectedly huge room. Suddenly I'm unconstrained, existing in a larger sphere, no longer tied to the little boxes with heat and glowing light that comprise civilization at night. It's a breath of true freedom, and it's exhilarating.

Sometime last fall before the time change, I expressed an interest in continuing my bicycle commuting beyond the days of 5 pm daylight. My wonderful husband bought me a 4-LED, purportedly-900-lumen flashlight and a mount to attach it to my handlebars. He also picked up a red taillight with 5 flashing lights in 5 possible configurations. I wasn't sure how comfortable I would be with night-time commuting, in part because of the cold, but mainly because of the safety. Both turned out to be non-issues.

Here in southern Illinois, the cold is not strictly dependent on the time of day or night. Last night at 8 pm it was 46, Thursday at noon it will be 16 if we're lucky. I've found that with a pair of long john bottoms, three light layers on top, two silk scarves and a ski-worthy glove set, I'm toasty for my 3 mile ride. Usually these clothes are sufficient on the bike even when they are not quite warm enough for a walk across campus. So far this winter I've ridden down to 18 degrees.

Carbondale is a small town, with a population of about 30,000. The ride home from campus is fairly well lit and I could see to do it without the incredibly bright flashlight at all. But the flashlight itself is awesome... it has heft enough to be used as a self-defense weapon and casts a bright light far enough for use on the blackest of nights. For the most part, its main use is to make me *be seen,* but it has also been the agent of my freedom. Without a light I would never have undertaken this endeavor.

The really scary thing is that now I see why people do brevets.

Cheers,
Audrey

In Transition

I have learned a tidbit about myself from my 10 year old son. He has always had a fear of the unpredictable. He hates to watch movies that he hasn't seen before (a catch-22 right there), especially in a theater. A movie often intentionally intensifies a story, a feature that appeals to many but for Will just makes it worse. In a dark theater (from which you can't escape, at age 10 or younger you don't just get up and leave your parents and go into the hall for a breather) things happen (too) loudly and suddenly. Frequently there are implied bad turns of event which are eventually (and predictably, to adults) resolved (oh, look he's not really dead). It makes sense that this experience would be unpalatable to some.

To me, his feelings about movies elucidate a more general problem he has, and which I share. A difficulty with transitions. This may range from the small-scale (time quit playing on the computer and get ready for bed) to larger transitions like the end of a weekend at his dad's house, or the beginning of Christmas break. At these points he's wound up, emotional and easily upset. And finally it makes sense, on vacation, the predictability of the day-to-day routine has gone. You never know when it is going to be okay to play on the computer, whether the adults are going to be upset if you ask again if *now* is that time, or if you are going to be told to put on your coat because we are going to so-and-so's house for lunch (and what will they expect you to eat?)

For my part, I also have trouble with transition. Mine takes the form of hating an unmade necessary decision. There are plenty of times when a decision is not really necessary (should we get a new computer?) , and those can go unmade. But when a decision will affect my day-to-day or even hour-to-hour activities, I need it to get made. I sympathize with Will on the not-knowing-when-(or -what)-lunch-will-be front. I mean, if we are having a turkey sandwich at home at 1 pm, then I can have a coffee and a cookie at 10:30, but if we are going to a buffet at 11:30, I don't want to do that. And, are we going on a bike ride today? Or should I just go running now, or take a shower. Most of the time I can handle these small-scale decision holes either by imposing my will on others or letting it slide. But I get severely stressed when those major decisions come up and resist getting made for whatever reason (more consideration required, third party input required, etc). I mean, if I'm trying to decide whether to take a master's thesis project in Geography instead of in Chemistry, I don't really want to be jumping through Chemistry hoops and doing work that has no use to me... I want the decision made so the energy that is currently going into the decision can be put to work on the decided course of action. Once the decision is made, there is a different sort of transition, but it seems to me to have a clear path through it.

May your decisions get made and your transitions be suitably structured.
Cheers,
Audrey

My Fabulous Husband

The other night, just as I was drifting off to sleep in his arms, it occurred to me that there was no better feeling in the world. When else do you feel as secure, cherished and in need of nothing? If this is not the quintessential goal of a human, I don't know what is. Doesn't everyone relish this feeling when they have it and crave it when they don't? If you could bottle it, if you could make sure that everyone felt this way at least once a week, wouldn't that end all wars? Click on the picture and see how he comes through during the day as well. This was my story-of-our-love-in-letterpress-blocks Christmas present this year.

Wishing you bliss,
Audrey

The curse of the generalist

Jack of all trades, master of none?
Lazy?
Doesn't finish what she starts?
I am only faking when I get it right....

On the cusp of changing majors (one...last...time) at the age of 41, I wonder if I am cut out
1) to grow up, or
2) to be something if I do grow up.

My second time in a graduate program (first time philosophy, this time chemistry) I am again becoming claustrophobic at the specialization required. I tend to forget a lot of what I learn, and despite it seeming like this would favor specialization (fine tuning, deeper understanding) instead I feel like I'm never comfortable enough with the material. It seems I don't know what I should for a person in my position. I keep hoping this is due to some inherent mismatch with the narrowly focused situation I find myself in, and that a simple shift to this *much more interesting* field will at last be the place where I am driven and will shine. I dread that the truth is closer to "this is getting too hard" and the "much more interesting" field is really only attractive because the introductory material is easy, and it will soon devolve into the same situation in which I find myself currently mired. Because when you feel cornered, lots of escape options seem viable when they are really just escapist.

More to come,
Cheers,
Audrey

First Ride of 2009/Heel of Round Roast

We had our first bike ride of 2009 on Friday. The day was as nice as you can hope for in January in Carbondale: sunny and 50, with only light winds. The 20+ miles earned us a spot in the top 700 on bike journal. That lasted only a brief shining moment, till others went out on subsequent days. My commuting should start tomorrow, but for a car in the shop... I'll have to drive the other car for back-up and kid-pick-up. Then it's rain and/or snow for the rest of the week.

Heel of Round Roast:
I would not recommend this cut -- too tough to roast, and too lean to braise. Plus part of it has a strange network of connective goo running through it, rather like the outline of a maze! Might be a reasonable thing to make broth out of, if you got a good price on it.

Sick

You can tell how sick you are by how much you curtail your favorite pursuits. For instance, I am sick today, but I still baked the sourdough bread I had started last night (when I was at least preliminarily sick). I also went on a 20 mile tandem bike ride, because the temperature was 50 F and it was neither windy nor raining. And we averaged 17.2 mph, so it was not a wussy ride (although it was relatively flat).

So I guess I'm not that sick. Yay.
Cheers,
Audrey

Wishing you an Audacious New Year

Audacious has always been a favorite word of mine. This is in part because it starts with the same three letters as my name, and in part because of the complex mix of spiciness, creativity and defiant courage it encompasses. When I was training to be a Residence Adviser in college, we played a game in which we chose an adjective to describe ourselves that started with the same letter as our name. I thought of audacious right away, and was rather pleased with myself. But we were in a circle, and by the time we got around to me I was embroiled in a conversation. When they got my attention, my mind went blank... I blurted out "Avaricious Audrey." This impressed many people, because they didn't know what it meant. I didn't either. I was quite disappointed when I looked it up, and when I remembered the word I wanted to use. At best, I suppose calling oneself "avaricious" might appear audacious.

For the new year it is my goal to choose audacity over avarice in all facets of my life.

Cheers,
Aud